The New Reformed Universal
Church of the Reality Deviant
(NRUCRD)

Covenant #6: Baptism

And it came to pass that the Grouches did approach the Prophet saying, "Oh most Grouchy of Grouches, tell us of Baptism!" And the Prophet's heart, being filled with pride at this honor did proceed to expound extemporaneously on the subject, saying

"My fellow Grouches! Baptism is the ceremonial confirmation of Oneness with the UVL, symbolically representing death to self and Rebirth in the UVL, and must be done in all seriousness and propriety to maintain it's sacredness unto the UVL. And now, in this limited time offer, I, you're most humble Prophet, am prepared to offer you, at only minimal cost (to cover my expenses, of course) the opportunity to participate in this most Holy of Ceremonies, Baptism in the name of the UVL!"

And, lo, on the appointed day, having collected the necessary fees, the Prophet arranged to have set up the Holy Jacuzzi, filled with the Blessed Holy Water, surrounded by the Angelic Chorus (for to sing the Joyous Hallelujah) and the Holy Sumptuous Buffet and Wet Bar (for after the Ceremony). The Sacred Nine Altar Children were also in attendance, resplendent in their be-sequined lederhosen. All these things did the Prophet make ready under the Most Holy Clear Blue Sky of the UVL's Most Perfect Cathedral.

And as the appointed time drew nigh and the Grouches were assembled, each wearing their white linen Baptismal Robe, that the Prophet did enter into the Holy Jacuzzi and did address the assemblage saying, "My most beloved Grouches! We are gathered here together this day, in the name of the UVL ..."

... And it started to rain. And Rain. And RAIN.

And the Heavens did open and the Messenger of the UVL did come down in the form of a Deluvian Angel and did wash out the Holy Sumptuous Buffet and (now very) Wet Bar, and did soak the Angelic Chorus and Sacred Nine Altar Children and their be-sequined lederhosen, and did drench the assembled Grouches and their white linen Baptismal Robes, and did turn the Most-Blessed Fire Hose upon the Prophet, saying "Woe be unto you, foolish Grouch, for the UVL has seen thy self serving display and thy profiteering and hath condemned them. Furthermore, the UVL has chosen to perform the Baptism in a more profound manner. Lo, the UVL has blessed these assembled Grouches, in acknowledgment of their Oneness to the UVL, and has symbolized this Blessing in the form of this rain, which doth shower down upon all, equally, as all are One with the UVL."

And as the rains lessened, the Deluvian Angel did return unto the UVL and in the Angel's path there was left a Rainbow as a symbol of this new Covenant of Baptism with the UVL.

And the Grouches did look upon the Rainbow in wonderment of all that had transpired and did cry out in many loud voices, "What-the-F___! Just look at my new white linen robe. This thing is dry clean only, ya know. Not to mention the fact that the wet bar is WAY too wet. And can some one please shut up those Altar Children? Ya'd think they'd never wet their lederhosen before! ... "