The New Reformed Universal
Church of the Reality Deviant
(NRUCRD)

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Covenant #5: Of Stones and the UVL

"And it came to pass that the Prophet did deign to protect himself from the unseen attacks of others. To this end did the Prophet surround himself in stone. Not the great stones of a castle or a pyramid, for these are shown to be proof only against what is seen. Nay, the Prophet did surround himself in a variety of small stones, reasoning that which cannot be seen would prove to be powerless against them. And some stones the Prophet did bless as stones for warding against "ill will", and some as warding against "the evil eye", and some as warding against "rage and anger", and some as warding against "runny eggs for breakfast", and some as warding against "Hostile Baristas at the Temple of Starbucks". Yea, against all manner of perceived evil did the Prophet bless these stones, out of fear.

"And the UVL did send a messenger unto the Prophet in the form of an Angel of Sarcasm. And the Angel did say unto the Prophet, 'What, no Toaster Oven?' and the Prophet was sorely dismayed for indeed the Toaster Oven had been left out of consideration. It was then that the Prophet did deign to bless the Toaster Oven and this is the manner of that blessing.

"First the Prophet did cast upon the ground, a circle, using flour as he was out of salt from blessing all the stones. Next did the Prophet ground himself using only the best grounds from the Temple of Starbucks and then did he center himself. (Always being a bit self-centered, this was a brief step.) Then did the Prophet call the Quarters, and having called them, gathered them together and did take them up to the Temple of Starbucks to be further grounded by purchasing a Triple Tall Wet Breve' Mocha-ccino with Whipped Cream and Chocolate Sprinkles. (And through all of this the Angel of Sarcasm did snicker behind his hand.)

"Then, having completed the Communion, the Prophet did return to the Circle of Flour and did make overtures to call down the UVL, for to complete the blessing of the Toaster Oven. It was then that another messenger from the UVL in the form of an Archangel of Retribution did appear unto the Prophet. The Archangel did give the Holy Dope-Slap unto the Angel of Sarcasm and said 'You're Fired!' Then did the Archangel say unto the Prophet 'Woe be unto thee, foolish Grouch, for the UVL hath seen thy deeds and is much amused by them. Verily the UVL is so amused that the protection thou seekest has been granted unto thee. But know ye, this is the price of the protection: thou must carry thy little stones and thy Toaster Oven withersoever thou goest, all the days of thy life, lest thee feel the loss of this protection.'

"And the Archangel of Retribution did depart unto the UVL and the Fallen Angel of Sarcasm, now laughing openly, did stick around to see what happened next."

For what DID happen next, you might want to visit "The Solitary Circle, 2001" and read the message base starting at message #610.

As you can see, the majority of the responses were approving of the humor. However, there were those who were truly stung by my words and that bothers me. Also, HiddenBrightness (bless him), pointed out that while sarcasm might well be used to show someone to your way of thinking, it is difficult at best, to be able to know when someone is ready to hear what you have to say. And saying it with sarcasm makes it cut both ways. With that in mind, I tried another perspective and this is the result.

Of Stones and the UVL: epilog

"And it came to pass that the Prophetess did embark on a journey up a mountain, for to see what may be learned from such a quest. Little did she know she was being followed by the Fallen Angel of Sarcasm who was still looking for a few laughs.

"And, lo, as the Prophetess did journey, she was beset with all manner of trials and tribulations, such that the Prophetess did cast about, seeking sanctuary, yet whithersoever the Prophetess did turn, she was met only with more discord. Finally, in desperation, did the Prophetess cry out in a loud voice 'Where shall I turn? Is there no Solace for the weary?'

"It was then that the UVL did hear the cries of the Prophetess and did send a messenger in the form of an Angel of Compassion unto her saying 'Blessed child. Know ye this, and take comfort. The UVL is with you always, even as the UVL is with all things as all things are of the UVL.'

"And taking up a stone from the ground, the Angel of Compassion did continue, 'Consider this stone. Even if it were to be cut and carved through clever working with tools, its nature is the same. It is a stone, manifest of the UVL as a stone, and a stone it will always be. And the UVL rejoices in being manifest as this stone. For it is through being manifest as this stone that the UVL learns what it is to be stone.

"'Now, consider yourself. Even if you pass through trials and tribulations, your nature is still the same. You are you, manifest of the UVL as you, and yourself you will always be. And the UVL rejoices in being manifest as you. For it is through being manifest as you, that the UVL learns what it is to be you. The UVL rejoices as being manifest as all things. For all creation is sacred unto the UVL and all creation cannot be unmade. As matter or energy, All is inviolate.

"'And so, take comfort, blessed grouch, and take this stone as a reminder of the truth you have learned this day. Go thy way and rejoice, even as the UVL doth rejoice, in being YOU!'

"And the Angel of Compassion did continue with the Propehtess for a time while the Fallen Angel of Sarcasm did stand dumb-founded and did cry out after them, 'Wait! Come back! You forgot the punchline! There was nothing FUNNY about THAT!'